spankerella | Owner's Guide to Legolas (Reply)

This was posted by Sithspit ( sithspit@sithspit.com ) on the Witch's Love Fanfic yahoogroup. I thought I'd share... since it's friggin' HYSTERICAL. Welcome the "Owner's Guide to Legolas" in all its snort-worthy glory.

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of a LEGOLAS GREENLEAF wood-elf!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your LEGOLAS will give you and your descendents centuries of quality performance.

INSTALLATION

When you receive your LEGOLAS, unwrap him from his elven cloak by
unpinning the brooch in the shape of a leaf. It is not necessary to
remove any other garments at this stage.

Your LEGOLAS should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check
that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been
issued with the correct edition of the LEGOLAS.

(a) Mark I LEGOLAS (copyright Tolkien, 1954)

(b) Mark II LEGOLAS (copyright Jackson/Bloom, 2001)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Legolas Greenleaf (aka Legolas Thranduilion)

Type: Sindarin/Silvan Elf

Site of Manufacture: Northern Mirkwood

Height: 180cm

Weight: Negligible (as shown in tests on snow)

Length: Data not available

Electrical Connection: Not necessary

Colour:

Mk I LEGOLAS - Uncertain

Mk II LEGOLAS - Blond

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your LEGOLAS has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His
controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in
English, Sindarin or Quenya.

Remember that your LEGOLAS is not just decorative; he has 101 uses
around the home and garden. For example:

Illumination:

Faintly glowing skin is a standard feature of the wood-elf model. Make
the most of this attribute by using your LEGOLAS as a night-light in
your child's bedroom.

Child-minding:

For the most effective child-minding service, take your children's shoes
and socks off, glue fur to their feet and tell your LEGOLAS that they
are hobbits. He will guard them with his life.

Horticulture:

The LEGOLAS is programmed with a vast knowledge of horticultural
practices and can even provide lessons in gardening. Let your LEGOLAS
loose in your garden and watch it bloom.

Recitation:

As with all quality Elves, your LEGOLAS's memory contains a great many
stories and poems. This makes him ideal for the telling of tales to
small children.

Winter Chores:

Due to your wood-elf's remarkably light construction, he can walk on
snow and can therefore be sent on errands if you find yourself
snowbound.

*** CAUTION *** Your LEGOLAS is a fully functional male wood-elf and is
capable of providing many other services around the home. However
certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable
relationship with another human. Improper use of a LEGOLAS by such
owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the
commencement of divorce proceedings.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your LEGOLAS is compatible with most other Elves,
hobbits, wizards and humans. However caution should be exercised with
respect to using your LEGOLAS in conjunction with any dwarf model other
than the GIMLI ELF-FRIEND.

The maintenance of a GIMLI as an attachment to a LEGOLAS is generally
not problematic after the first few weeks. The LEGOLAS and GIMLI models
have three modes of interaction:

(a) Hostile

(b) Friendly

(c) Slash

*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the LEGOLAS and GIMLI units be
set to the same interaction mode. If the GIMLI model is set to 'Hostile'
while the LEGOLAS is set to 'Slash', your wood-elf could be fatally
damaged.

ACCESSORIES

The items with which your LEGOLAS comes equipped, depend on which
edition of the wood-elf you have purchased.

Mk I LEGOLAS: Wears green and brown clothes, light shoes and carries one
long white knife.

Mk II LEGOLAS: Wears green and silver-grey clothes, boots and carries
two knives.

Both editions are equipped with grey elven cloaks and bows. The Mk II
LEGOLAS also has the 'Quiver of Infinite Arrows'.

To make your LEGOLAS more portable, you may wish to purchase the AROD
horse module. The AROD Mk I comes without a saddle or bridle. The AROD
Mk II comes with a complete set of tack.

*** CAUTION *** Do not mount a Mk II LEGOLAS on a Mk I AROD as damage
may be sustained to the wood-elf unit as a result of his inferior
equestrian expertise (e.g. broken ribs).

CLEANING

Depending on the uses to which you put your LEGOLAS, you may have to
clean him on a daily basis. Use water from woodland streams to wash your
LEGOLAS in the appropriate areas. Use a herbal body wash for more
stubborn stains (e.g. whipped cream, chocolate mousse or baby lotion).

*** CAUTION *** Avoid cleaning your LEGOLAS in seawater. This could lead
to a 'Sea Longing' malfunction (see 'Trouble Shooting' below).

LUBRICATION

To ensure that your LEGOLAS remains in good working order, moving parts
should be lubricated regularly.

Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your LEGOLAS is
beyond the scope of this manual. For more information, please refer to
www.libraryofmoria.com.

RECHARGING

After long periods of use, your LEGOLAS's energy levels may become
depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your wood-elf:

Food:

The LEGOLAS does not need as much food as the Meriadoc or Peregrin
halfling models, but he benefits from regular refuelling with lembas.

Drink:

If your LEGOLAS's energy is almost spent, administer one mouthful of
Miruvor or an infusion of Athelas. Under normal circumstances, river
water is quite adequate to maintain correct wood-elf hydration. Your
LEGOLAS may try to convince you that he needs red wine to maintain the
perfect balance of electrolytes. This is not true. Excessive drinking of
wine in wood-elves can lead to malfunctions (e.g. escape of captive
dwarves).

Sleep:

You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your LEGOLAS
needs in order to maintain optimum performance. This is due to his
enhanced 'Sleeping-While-Walking-Along' functionality.

REPROGRAMMING

The Mk II LEGOLAS can be issued with a revised 'Return of the King'
program from December 2003. Please see your local cinema for details of
this upgrade.

It is not possible to reprogram the Mk I LEGOLAS.

SECURITY

Thanks to the popularity of the LEGOLAS (especially the Mk II), it
essential that you observe the following security procedures for the
safekeeping of your wood-elf.

* Have your LEGOLAS micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is
experienced in the handling of wood-elves to carry out this procedure.

* Do not leave your LEGOLAS unattended in public.

* Do not lend your LEGOLAS to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister).

* Do not leave your LEGOLAS on the passenger seat of the car in full
view of passers by.

*** CAUTION *** Your LEGOLAS may tell you that the best way to keep from
getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedposts with silk scarves. DO
NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think
for one minute that it has anything to do with security.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Can I take my LEGOLAS on holiday with me?

A: Yes, but you must avoid seaside locations. Taking your LEGOLAS within
earshot of a seagull could cause a permanent 'Sea Longing' malfunction.
Instead consider taking your LEGOLAS on vacation to the English Lake
District or Sherwood Forest. A North American owner may want to take his
or her LEGOLAS hiking on the Appalachian Trail. He will probably carry
all your gear for you and will never get lost!

Q: Can I purchase a second LEGOLAS?

A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has
been introduced - one LEGOLAS per household.

Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my LEGOLAS could become
pregnant. Is this true?

A: Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman or lose his
elven powers of sight and hearing. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your
LEGOLAS is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall
hopelessly in love with a teenage girl who has been miraculously
transported from 21st Century America into Middle Earth.

Q: Where should I store my LEGOLAS when he is not in use?

A: Generally speaking your LEGOLAS should be kept in a tree-house when
he is not in use. Wrap him in his elven cloak and he will stay in
perfect working order. If your LEGOLAS and GIMLI models are both set to
'Slash' mode, you may find that you have to put the dwarf in the
tree-house too.

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Problem: Your LEGOLAS keeps climbing the trees in your back garden and
won't come down.

Solution: Shout 'Daro' in a commanding tone and your LEGOLAS should drop
back to earth in surprise and fear.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS seems distracted and there is a faraway look in
his eyes. It is very difficult to attract his attention. He may even
seem pale and ill. When unattended he tries to build ships out of bits
of wood and sticky-backed plastic.

Solution: Your LEGOLAS has become afflicted with a 'Sea Longing'
malfunction. There is no cure. The only choice is to send him, in
company with a GIMLI, to Valinor (see Yellow Pages for address).

Problem: Your LEGOLAS has dishevelled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and
a dazed expression.

Solution: Adjust the 'Slash' setting on both your LEGOLAS and GIMLI
models from NC17 to PG13.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS sleeps with his eyes open.

Solution: This is perfectly normal behaviour for a wood-elf and is
nothing to worry about. He is simply running the 'Blending Living Night
And Deep Dream' program.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS sleeps with his eyes shut.

Solution: This is a warning sign that your LEGOLAS is seriously injured
or is ill with 'Sea Longing'. Contact your local wood-elf service
engineer as soon as possible.

Problem: Your Legolas has developed the habit of sliding down the stairs
on a tea-tray.

Solution: This became a common problem with the Mk II LEGOLAS after the
infamous 'Battle of Helm's Deep' upgrade in December 2002. The only
solution is to confiscate his tea-tray.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS is excessively avaricious, loathes all dwarves
with a passion (even the GIMLI ELF-FRIEND) and keeps rifling through
your jewellery box.

Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a THRANDUIL rather than
a LEGOLAS. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund.
Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him.

Problem: Minutes after you open your LEGOLAS, your front garden becomes
inundated with screaming teenage girls wielding 'Marry Me, Orli!'
banners.

Solution: This phenomenon is not unknown with the Mk II LEGOLAS. Take
the following steps:

(1) It essential that you hide your LEGOLAS. Do not hide him in the
bedroom - it is the first place they will look.

(2) Tell the fan-girls that 'Pirates of the Caribbean' is showing at
your local cinema. They will soon disappear.

(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have a Mk I LEGOLAS. Most of
them will lose interest since they probably have only a vague
understanding of the Tolkien (1954) model. Any than are left are
probably quite decent people. Invite them in for lembas cookies and
begin a discussion about whether LEGOLAS would really have known ARAGORN
before the Council of Elrond. While they are arguing, sneak out with
your LEGOLAS and head for the nearest forest. Lie low for a few days.

Problem: Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative.
He or she may even have threatened your LEGOLAS with physical violence.

Solution: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your
LEGOLAS. Have been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done
something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in
Sindarin all afternoon or cried out the wrong name at a moment of
intimate crisis?

FINAL NOTE

Your LEGOLAS will give many, many years of faithful service. In order to
avoid bitter arguments between your children, remember to record in your
Last Will and Testament which of them will inherit your wood-elf.

My lovely leggy icon is courtesy of