hating the dog

[spankerella]

I have officially suffered my first psychotic break of the situation I now find myself in.

It has been more than a week since I have written ANYTHING besides email replies and posts here. I have not worked on the editing of "In Shadowside". I have not worked on the guide to the universe. I have not written any fic. That's bothering me a lot.

I fantasised about killing my mother's dog. I honestly think I hate the dog. And I know it's just a dog, but my mother loves the dog more than me. She just woke me up at 4 AM because she needed to give the dog a bath and needed my help. The dog has a skin condition. She gets itchy. Well, *I* get itchy when I touch the dog. The dog wouldn't get in the tub. I forced her butt in with my legs while pulling her front paws in with my hands. My legs have broken out in hives. I had to shower after the dog. I have had to take some Benadryl for the itching. *hates* I broke down in the shower. I lost it. Utterly. You know what the worst thing about that sort of thing is? When the person who has forced you to this sort of break not only NOT notices that you're all splotchy from crying, but snaps at you for taking so long in the bathroom.

I know I am a bad daughter. I don't think I was meant to spend this much time in my mother's company. We are not alike. And she likes ordering me about. I can see it in her eyes. Every time I walk through the house, she calls out about four or five things she would like for me to do... right then. I'll buck up and get over this, but I don't know if I'll be the same after. Not to be melodramatic, but this is breaking my supposedly unbreakable spirit. I am completely stressed out, wound tight as I can be. I have no way to vent properly.

This is just proof that I could never be a nurse. I have a deplorable bedside manner. Then again, my patient is the one person I have no patience for. I am probably the worst choice for taking care of her. She frustrates me on a normal day, and this is so much worse. I am trying to be nice and nurturing, but she makes it VERY difficult.

And now I can't get back to sleep.

I really hate to admit defeat. I'm fighting it, but this just might do me in.

*

Comments

[australian-imp.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly and strokes hair*

Vent at us.... I certanly don't mind. And don't even think about fanfiction. It can wait perfectly well. Unless of course you need an outlet.

hold on just a little while longer

[bana05.livejournal.com]

I hug and commend you. It's hard taking care of someone who seems to fight you at every turn, wear you out emotionally until you wonder "why bother?" My grandmother raised my since even before my mother passed, but now she's older (83) and needs much assistance. She can barely walk, barely use her hands, barely chew her food. She's almost an invalid, and we have to do everything for her, cut up food, give her food, make sure she's hydrated, make sure she's warm enough, make sure her hair gets done, etc. My grandmother, bless her soul, is hard to please and passive aggressive, wants everyone to drop what they are doing to attend to her. It's really trying, and though I can hide up here in college (Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night because I think I hear my grandmother calling me), my sister cannot, and I just hear the weariness in her voice, but know the alternative is something we both do not want.

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I'll say you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Maybe you won't realize that yet, but I'm sure your mother is very appreciative of all you do, even if she doesn't say it.

*hugs*

[amichandrn.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I don't think that you're a bad daughter. I do think however, you need to talk to her about this. Her asking to do some things for you isn't that big a deal (to me, anyway) but when you're waking someone up at 4 AM to wash a dog, when she's OBVIOUSLY allergic to the dog? That requires a wake up call. I don't think your mom is deliberately being a sadist, but she needs to be told that while you don't mind helping her out, she's abusing it. You need to set limits with her. Like, "I'll help you wash the dog, but you'd better have some gloves and benedryl around because the dog makes me break out in hives."

The problem is that with the mediport and the chemo, she really is very fatigued. When my mother got the chemo, she had to be hospitalized the first time, because she got sick so much that she became dehydrated. The chemo really is the worst part.

So, anyway, I think the two of you need to sit down, talk and prioritize. You are here for help and moral support, but everyone has a breaking point.

::glomp:: Good luck! And don't worry about the lack of fic. We'll all survive.

[als-wonderland.livejournal.com]

*Hug*
You are not a bad daughter.
You are human, and humans cannot handle too much emotional and physical stress without any down time. You are prefectly entitled to some time to yourself without feeling guilty for it. (Even nurses get to go home at the end of shift.)

Small steps, and remember to Breathe.

[kiramarie.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. I don't really know what to say about all this. It just sounds like one tough situation after another. I know that you have a tough spirit, and even if your mother snaps your last nerve, your spirit is still one of the strongest out there. I don't think I could be as strong as you in your situation. You are taking on a lot by taking care of your mother. And even if you and your mother don't get along all the time your love for each other shows. And I know you are having troubles venting and destressing. So I'll share the one thing I know that helps me---I go out and walk. Generally I have my favorite music in my disc man, and I walk and think and mull things over in my head. And when I finally feel better about what is wrong, I go home. I've been know to disappear for hours. I know that right now with your mother being sick, it might be hard to get away, but you need your time. So find an hour and get out and away. Hopefully you'll feel better.

[madannekidd.livejournal.com]

Hey, it's alright to break, a little. No one's going to point at you and laugh for breaking, we're not going ream into you because you're human. You sound like you're having a tough time, and that's alright. Vent out a little, at least we'll listen. Venting is good. Fantasising about killing the dog is good.... although I don't think it's a good idea for you to kill it... animal cruelty and all that. Still, you can feel almost as good while imagining doing something wonderfully evil to the hell hound. Not saying that I've done that before, of course. Of course.

You are -not- a bad daughter, just because you don't get along with your mother, just because she kinda gets on your nerves. Again, only human. If you're not compatible, you don't get along. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with it. Don't let her break you so badly that you can't heal again, I don't think any of us would recover if you were permanently broken. You've been so strong for so long that to have you broken... We don't have anything to measure up to, anything to look up to anymore.

*hugs*

Hope you feel better, soon. It'll be over, one day.

[rosefyre.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[(Anonymous)]

stressed..... i would seriously suggest anger/exersize! works a treat. beat the living daylights out of your pillow, go for a walk/run/quick sprint -and you are much to tired to get upset at anyone ;p honestly though, you sometimes just have to get it out, it always makes me feel better when i'm all stressy-crazy.

many people have already said it, but i agree, have a small chat with your mum. just tell her it upsets you that she is making it so hard for you to help, and all you want is for her to be better.... she'll understand. and no you are most definitely NOT a bad daughter! maybe your mum's only way of feeling she has ANY control is making you do everything she wants! perhaps find some other way your mum can get control? i dont know... lots of hugs though

[(Anonymous)]

First *hugs*... I know when I sound that stressed and close to breaking this is what I need most.

Second, I find scream therapy to be very cleansing in situations where I've reached my breaking point. Luckily, I worked in restaurants - those walk in freezers have great soundproofing! Barring that, stuffing your face in a pillow and screaming as long and loud as you can does wonders. Of course, beating said pillow against something hard until it breaks open is really good too. *wink*

Third, I have to really agree that you need to talk to your mom. But I want to suggest is finding a patient advocate or some kind of cancer support group in your area. I mean, I'm certainly not a psychologist, but it seems like your mom feels pretty helpless and out of control right now. I'm trying to imagine being in her shoes and it's a pretty unhappy place to be - and maybe the way she's acting is just her lashing out from the frustration she's feeling. I really think someone who has either been in your situation or who is trained to assist people with illnesses should sit down and talk with you both. Maybe it would help to know that these feelings and reactions you're both having are normal, considering her recent diagnosis?

Fourth, please do not feel like a bad daughter. I think a lot of us have love/hate relationships with our families. I personally love my mom, but I can not live with her. Been there, done that, took a ginsu to the t-shirt and shredded it to bits.

You are strong. You will not break, but you may need to bend. You also need to realize that it is perfectly okay to say that you cannot do it all. You work, you write, you are all over your LJ, and you're taking care of your mom while she is sick. How much do you ROCK? Goddess knows there are a lot of people who couldn't handle that much responsibility at once.

Are there ways you can make this easier on yourself?

As uncomfortable as it was when I started, I found carrying a little voice-activated tape recorder with me when I was driving to work made writing a lot easier. I can turn it on and drop it on the seat next to me and then just start dropping ideas. Then when I have time, I can flesh out the idea in writing.

Are there volunteer programs in your area that can help you and your mom with some of the things around the house? Or, if you can find the funds, maybe pay for a house cleaner or food/grocery delivery once or twice a month. Ooh... a mobile dog grooming service to give the pooch a bath every so often - no hives for Echo then.

And remember, you have an entire flock of people that are more than willing to listen, let you vent, and would probably do any net research you needed at the drop of a hat. (I am SO Net Girl!) You are not alone in this. All you need to do is ask.

"Chance cannot touch me! Time cannot hush me!
Fear, hope, and longing, at strife,
Sink as I rise, on, on, upward forever,
Gathering strength, gaining breath,—naught can sever
Me from the Spirit of Life!"

~Margaret Witter Fuller - Dryad Song


Gem

[cissasghost.livejournal.com]

I haven't said anything about the situation with your mother thus far 'cause . . well, I don't really know you, and it didn't seem like my place. But what you just posted just sounded too damned familiar, so - just so you know, you have my sympathy, and you're not alone in how you're feeling right now. My mother has never been seriously ill like that, but there are other issues, and she can be quite fragile, and I am not good at dealing with fragile, and she likes to lash out. There is, sometimes, too much resentment for words. So, anyway, I think you're doing just fine - you're there and you're trying and it sounds like you're getting not a whole hell of a lot of thanks for it.

And there was a period of roughly 2 years wherein I didn't draw or write. It does come back. It comes back better, actually.

-Sonya (who hopes you don't mind)

[pyrobear.livejournal.com]

I think sometimes you're a better person than I. Though I don't blame you about the dog.

[carinthea.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you are finding it hard, and I mean that in the sincerest way.

I sometimes resent my mum's cats. Whenever we are having a conversation on the phone (we talk about once a week - anymore than that and we are arguing about my weight, the fact that I live with relatives and the fact that I am single) she ends up having more of a conversation with her cats - I end up feeling small, pathetic and very lonely, and realising that she would rather have a conversation with a cat that purrs and wants only food than me.

I think that it is perfectly normal for you to dislike something that makes you virtually ill, causes itching, discomfort and irritability (sounds sort of like work). At least all the time you are focusing your intent dislike on your mum's dog you are not telling her how angry you are - in a way the dog is giving you someone to be irritated and angry at.

Hate the dog all you want - it's healthy to dislike some things, we can't all be wonderful/perfect animal loves all the time.

[angel-allegra.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You are NOT a bad daughter.

[lady-sylver.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You have a lot of people who care about you. Just thought I might point that out, for no good reason.

If the dog makes you break out in hives, tell your mother that you can't help her with it. That's not being a bad daughter, it's showing a sense of self preservation. I was just talking with another friend of mine who's taking care of someone with severe health issues, and had the same advice for her.

If there's a conflict, don't be afraid to tell your mother what the problem is. She's an adult, she should understand. She should be aware that SHE will have to make some concessions to this situation, too.

Failing that, let her know that you are taking some time to yourself. I recommend at least one hour EVERY day! Time to get away and do whatever YOU want to do.

And when you feel the NEED to write, take the time to do it. If you don't have time, or can't focus on fiction, write a journal. A REAL one, where you actually write the words out longhand, and can say anything you want without worrying about what other people are going to say.

And be comforted by the knowledge that you have friends and fans out here that will support you no matter what you decide to do, even if you actually do kill the dog. I'll stand up as a witness that it was self defense. ^_^

[(Anonymous)]

i don't know you at all but i honesty don't belive that your a bad daughter. my own mum has been recovering from an operation to remove a blood clot from her brain, its not similar to cancer except maybe the 'long haul' part. its okay to hate the dog i got to a point where i thought i hated my mum for about a second till i realise that it wasn't her fault. it's no ones. i had to except that and sometimes i find it harder to than other times. erm to vent i cryed on my friends shoulders so many times.. everyone breaks. sometimes its better to let other people fix you. even your mum, she probably still needs to be your mum the now. if that makes sense am not too sure.

love and *many* thots and prayers for yourself and your mother.

lauren x

You're doing your best, that's all that matters,

[(Anonymous)]

I think you are an excellent daughter, anyone who can wash a dog with hives in the middle of the night has got skills. Even though your relationship with your mother may not be great, you'll work through it. Even if you're bitter till the very end, just know that your mother DOES love you, and you love her. Everyone has tight spots in their life, I'm barely 14 and I've had too many to count. I come from a line of bad mother-daughter relationships: my grandma was an evil bitch to my mom, and my mom ended up screwing up her life and damaging mine. She isn't around anymore, she couldn't handle it and i miss her. Even though i don't know you, i can relate to what you're going through, my step mom has alot of similarities with your mom, she can be VERY difficult at times. But just know that you'll get through this time in your life, hang in there, that's what i did. lol, I'm going all lifetime, hehe *BIG HUG*
Signed,
A very big fan of your writings