the devil made me do it

[spankerella]

My mother threw a bit of a temper tantrum tonight. Bad night. BAD. Sundays are always bad. It's like the side effects of the chemo cocktails she takes hits her on Sunday afternoons. She was mean today. Meaner than she's been in a long time. I try not to take it personal, but I happen to know how badly my life is screwed up. I don't need her reminding me what a fucking loser I am right now. I made bad choices in my late teens and early twenties. Some I will be paying for for the rest of my life. I'm a smart girl. I know this. I don't need a screeching reminder. I am just about to pack my shit up and move in with my Grandma.

Ever entertained the idea of walking away from your life and starting over? A new life. Must be nice. Don't anyone get alarmed. I'm just blowing off steam here instead of at her. If I were the giver-upper-type, I'd have killed myself long ago. Not happening. Don't go thinking it. Just a bit of a pity party here. It'll wind down in a bit. I just need to make my toast to 2005 being a bang-up year so far. Cheers!

I am a surviver. I may not always survive well, but I do tend to stick around. I am going to dig myself out of this hole I now find myself in one day, and I'll walk on and never look back. No penny-pinching. No staying sick and feeling miserable because I can't afford the doc and have no insurance. No staying in due to lack of funds. No more eating Ramen noodles three times a day. No working myself into a frenzy when my car breaks down. No more shitty breaking-down-all-the-damn-time car. No more living with other people.

No more.

eta: Temper tantrum # 2. Good times, good times. I hope I get struck by lightening. That's gotta be LESS unpleasant.

eta2: Ahhh, sweet therapy. I love the AMC channel. They're playing Carrie. It just started. I will be staying up to watch the prom scene. It always fills me with wicked glee when the snotty bitches start dying. I just imagine people from my graduating class in their places. I know. I'm disturbed. It's better me imagining it than actually DOING it though. However, if I had telekenesis... hoo boy. They're be some trouble in Whoville. Plus, Piper Laurie = awesomely creepy.

"And the raven was called sin."

*

Comments

[howitzer.livejournal.com]

You asked if anyone else ever entertained the idea walking away from their life and starting over. Hell yes. About 11 years ago. I had screwed up and BAD. It seemed like everything I touched turned to shit. That was the only time Chris and I ever had a break up. I was back living with my parents, working the world's worst job and making peanuts and up to the top of my head in debt. Then my favorite person in the whole world died. The was the bottom for me. I had talked to my Aunt Mary, who lives in North Carolina, after my great-aunt's funeral about what was going on in my life. (she's a great listener and even better with the advice) She told me that if my parents would agree to it, she would pay for my ticket and even help me find a job at the hospital where she works. It wouldn't have solved everything. I would have still had the debt, Chris and I would have still been a mess and I still would have been living with someone. But it had it's good points too.

In the end, after a lot of soul searching, I stayed here. I was lucky with some things and others I had to work out for myself. I realized that some things are worth fighting for and made an effort to do that. Funny thing was, I thought that my aunt would be disappointed but she wasn't. She said that I had made the right decision and I had made it on my own. She still says that she knew right then that I would be fine.

And you will be too. I have faith in you.

[mtlwritermom.livejournal.com]

Except for the mom part, it's like I wrote the post. I have to believe that whatever mistakes I made as a teenager/early twenties person I will be able to rise above it someday. Sure, you can't write your IQ on your application forms and well, I won't get into the rest.

Maybe you should set up another place to live? Or at least to sleep. You can't leave her for days and days but difinitely if she gets really bead you could leave for hours or for the night, right? Or would you be too guilt-ridden to sleep?

I hope you'll get some slack from your mom and you'll ba able to relax a bit.

[(Anonymous)]

Havew I ever considered chucking it all and running away to start a new life?

Hell yeah!

Almost all of your post I could say I identifies with. I made some choices in my late teens/early 20's that seemed like good ideas at the time... you know.... like not starting college and going to work instead. Like marrying the first guy to ever get this hands under my clothes. Like dropping out of college to have said man's children...

Don't get me wrong. I don't think my kids were a mistake. Or at least, if they were, they were the best mistakes I ever made. You know?

But yeah, when the car blows the head gasket and I'm taking the couch apart for gas money to give friends for rides to work and I'm faced with either paying the electric bill or the phone if I want to get groceries this week...

I think about it. About driving the kids to their dad's and dropping them off - because he has a bigger place and makes more money and at least I'd know they would be loved and well-fed and just leaving... Go somewhere where no one knows me and get a little studio apartment and a new job. I'd be good that way - enough to live on alone and send money for him to take care of the kids.

I don't do it, of course. But I think about it. I think a lot of us do when things get too rough. It's a nice escape in our minds.

And movie therapy... I definitely get that. I watched Buffy this weekend on DVD. Lemme just say that Wicked Willow *really* makes me feel better. Was I totally wrong to wish she'd resurrected Warren just to kill him again?

It is better to get some perverse joy out of fictional death and mayhem than to go out and cause our own. It's cheaper and hey, no pesky prison sentences afterward!

Just remember, we still luv ya!

Gem

[jennie-wls.livejournal.com]

You are SO not alone. I think about disappearing & starting over all the time. In fact, I've been thinking about it more & more lately. Life sucks but it's better than the alternative, yes? It will get better.

Uhg! Ramen noodles, the dietary staple of every American college student. I could happily live out the rest of my life without ever even seeing a package of ramen noodles ever again. ;[

[lady-sylver.livejournal.com]

Being one who has moved (often across statelines) 76 times in 27 years, starting over is NOT a solution to ANYTHING! It just makes things harder to handle.

But I agree about the finding your own space. I didn't pay attention to WHO said it, but I also think you might benefit from finding a place to sleep away from your mother's side, if you need to get away. And by all means, continue to vent to us, your friends. That's what we're here for.