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Dec. 28th, 2005 03:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spankerellaSo.
I got a call today. Well, several, but there's one in particular that I wanna talk about. Someone called to check on me because I hadn't posted here or done anything online in a couple of days. Unusual for me. This person knows who they are. Thanks. I didn't realize I was doing so bad until I got checked upon.
This has been the worst winter holiday I can ever remember. I barely enjoyed myself. It was so stressful, and on top of everything else that's happened this past year. I am ready for 2005 to be over because this year has not been kind to me. Not to be a downer, but currently I am suffering through the worst bought of depression I have seen in a very long time. I haven't even wanted to get out of the bed in the last few days. It's never been this bad before. It's like I can't stand being in my skin anymore. Not to be an alarmist, but I had my first semi-suicidal thoughts in well over a decade. Not that I would. That's dumb. But I thought about it for more than a fleeting moment until i realized what I was doing and started cursing myself out in my own head.
I don't know what to do. I am dangerously low on funds... as in I may have to skip paying some stuff for a while. I neeed a job with medical insurance because I am not well. I can't afford to go to the doctor. I'm unhappy with things. It's just sad. I let things get way out of control, and now I'm trapped. I have never done well with "trapped". I'm so distraught that I can't write. Can't. I owe drabbles and stuff. Nothing. No words. I haven't even been able to REwrite. Bad. This is very bad.
Then this morning was the WORST. I can barely stand up today. I mean, I'm all right, but I'm so not. One of my mom's good friends, who was my mom's age, who my mom used to teach with at another school, who was my first grade teacher, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer herself, who was one of the people who taught me to read and write... better... died this morning. I thought I was having a nightmare when Mom told me. Debbie was not supposed to die. She was supposed to be ok. She was so scared. She was supposed to be ok. We don't even know why she died yet. They're doing an autopsy.
My heart is so heavy. There wasn't much Holiday cheer in me to begin with this year. There's never much. I'm a grinch about the Hols. Not that I don't like buying for others, I do, but it seems like I never have enought ot spend on people. That makes me cranky. But this has zapped me of what little happiness I might have had at all after this craptastic holiday this year.
And I have to go to work tonight. I should be REAL friendly. I shouldn't say this, because I know what a ridiculous statement it is, but I'm saying it anyhow.
It wasn't supposed to end up like this.
I know it's not over for me, but I'm having the feeling that it definitely wasn't supposed to be this shitty at this point.
I got a call today. Well, several, but there's one in particular that I wanna talk about. Someone called to check on me because I hadn't posted here or done anything online in a couple of days. Unusual for me. This person knows who they are. Thanks. I didn't realize I was doing so bad until I got checked upon.
This has been the worst winter holiday I can ever remember. I barely enjoyed myself. It was so stressful, and on top of everything else that's happened this past year. I am ready for 2005 to be over because this year has not been kind to me. Not to be a downer, but currently I am suffering through the worst bought of depression I have seen in a very long time. I haven't even wanted to get out of the bed in the last few days. It's never been this bad before. It's like I can't stand being in my skin anymore. Not to be an alarmist, but I had my first semi-suicidal thoughts in well over a decade. Not that I would. That's dumb. But I thought about it for more than a fleeting moment until i realized what I was doing and started cursing myself out in my own head.
I don't know what to do. I am dangerously low on funds... as in I may have to skip paying some stuff for a while. I neeed a job with medical insurance because I am not well. I can't afford to go to the doctor. I'm unhappy with things. It's just sad. I let things get way out of control, and now I'm trapped. I have never done well with "trapped". I'm so distraught that I can't write. Can't. I owe drabbles and stuff. Nothing. No words. I haven't even been able to REwrite. Bad. This is very bad.
Then this morning was the WORST. I can barely stand up today. I mean, I'm all right, but I'm so not. One of my mom's good friends, who was my mom's age, who my mom used to teach with at another school, who was my first grade teacher, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer herself, who was one of the people who taught me to read and write... better... died this morning. I thought I was having a nightmare when Mom told me. Debbie was not supposed to die. She was supposed to be ok. She was so scared. She was supposed to be ok. We don't even know why she died yet. They're doing an autopsy.
My heart is so heavy. There wasn't much Holiday cheer in me to begin with this year. There's never much. I'm a grinch about the Hols. Not that I don't like buying for others, I do, but it seems like I never have enought ot spend on people. That makes me cranky. But this has zapped me of what little happiness I might have had at all after this craptastic holiday this year.
And I have to go to work tonight. I should be REAL friendly. I shouldn't say this, because I know what a ridiculous statement it is, but I'm saying it anyhow.
It wasn't supposed to end up like this.
I know it's not over for me, but I'm having the feeling that it definitely wasn't supposed to be this shitty at this point.
