(no subject)
Dec. 28th, 2005 03:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spankerellaSo.
I got a call today. Well, several, but there's one in particular that I wanna talk about. Someone called to check on me because I hadn't posted here or done anything online in a couple of days. Unusual for me. This person knows who they are. Thanks. I didn't realize I was doing so bad until I got checked upon.
This has been the worst winter holiday I can ever remember. I barely enjoyed myself. It was so stressful, and on top of everything else that's happened this past year. I am ready for 2005 to be over because this year has not been kind to me. Not to be a downer, but currently I am suffering through the worst bought of depression I have seen in a very long time. I haven't even wanted to get out of the bed in the last few days. It's never been this bad before. It's like I can't stand being in my skin anymore. Not to be an alarmist, but I had my first semi-suicidal thoughts in well over a decade. Not that I would. That's dumb. But I thought about it for more than a fleeting moment until i realized what I was doing and started cursing myself out in my own head.
I don't know what to do. I am dangerously low on funds... as in I may have to skip paying some stuff for a while. I neeed a job with medical insurance because I am not well. I can't afford to go to the doctor. I'm unhappy with things. It's just sad. I let things get way out of control, and now I'm trapped. I have never done well with "trapped". I'm so distraught that I can't write. Can't. I owe drabbles and stuff. Nothing. No words. I haven't even been able to REwrite. Bad. This is very bad.
Then this morning was the WORST. I can barely stand up today. I mean, I'm all right, but I'm so not. One of my mom's good friends, who was my mom's age, who my mom used to teach with at another school, who was my first grade teacher, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer herself, who was one of the people who taught me to read and write... better... died this morning. I thought I was having a nightmare when Mom told me. Debbie was not supposed to die. She was supposed to be ok. She was so scared. She was supposed to be ok. We don't even know why she died yet. They're doing an autopsy.
My heart is so heavy. There wasn't much Holiday cheer in me to begin with this year. There's never much. I'm a grinch about the Hols. Not that I don't like buying for others, I do, but it seems like I never have enought ot spend on people. That makes me cranky. But this has zapped me of what little happiness I might have had at all after this craptastic holiday this year.
And I have to go to work tonight. I should be REAL friendly. I shouldn't say this, because I know what a ridiculous statement it is, but I'm saying it anyhow.
It wasn't supposed to end up like this.
I know it's not over for me, but I'm having the feeling that it definitely wasn't supposed to be this shitty at this point.
I got a call today. Well, several, but there's one in particular that I wanna talk about. Someone called to check on me because I hadn't posted here or done anything online in a couple of days. Unusual for me. This person knows who they are. Thanks. I didn't realize I was doing so bad until I got checked upon.
This has been the worst winter holiday I can ever remember. I barely enjoyed myself. It was so stressful, and on top of everything else that's happened this past year. I am ready for 2005 to be over because this year has not been kind to me. Not to be a downer, but currently I am suffering through the worst bought of depression I have seen in a very long time. I haven't even wanted to get out of the bed in the last few days. It's never been this bad before. It's like I can't stand being in my skin anymore. Not to be an alarmist, but I had my first semi-suicidal thoughts in well over a decade. Not that I would. That's dumb. But I thought about it for more than a fleeting moment until i realized what I was doing and started cursing myself out in my own head.
I don't know what to do. I am dangerously low on funds... as in I may have to skip paying some stuff for a while. I neeed a job with medical insurance because I am not well. I can't afford to go to the doctor. I'm unhappy with things. It's just sad. I let things get way out of control, and now I'm trapped. I have never done well with "trapped". I'm so distraught that I can't write. Can't. I owe drabbles and stuff. Nothing. No words. I haven't even been able to REwrite. Bad. This is very bad.
Then this morning was the WORST. I can barely stand up today. I mean, I'm all right, but I'm so not. One of my mom's good friends, who was my mom's age, who my mom used to teach with at another school, who was my first grade teacher, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer herself, who was one of the people who taught me to read and write... better... died this morning. I thought I was having a nightmare when Mom told me. Debbie was not supposed to die. She was supposed to be ok. She was so scared. She was supposed to be ok. We don't even know why she died yet. They're doing an autopsy.
My heart is so heavy. There wasn't much Holiday cheer in me to begin with this year. There's never much. I'm a grinch about the Hols. Not that I don't like buying for others, I do, but it seems like I never have enought ot spend on people. That makes me cranky. But this has zapped me of what little happiness I might have had at all after this craptastic holiday this year.
And I have to go to work tonight. I should be REAL friendly. I shouldn't say this, because I know what a ridiculous statement it is, but I'm saying it anyhow.
It wasn't supposed to end up like this.
I know it's not over for me, but I'm having the feeling that it definitely wasn't supposed to be this shitty at this point.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 01:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 01:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 02:02 pm (UTC)I wish there was something more I could do, something I could say, that would make you feel better. I have no magic wand, though, no matter how badly I wish I did. I've got virtual hugs and an ear anytime you need either, however...
~Em
no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 02:46 pm (UTC)Even when you're at your lowest point, you know you still have friends who care. And you know who those people are and how to get in contact with them.
In one month something that you've wanted your whole life is going to happen, and I'm sure *someone* up there is going to be very proud of that.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 03:35 pm (UTC)Hugs to you. I'll be thinking about you.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 03:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 03:49 pm (UTC)I'm sending good thoughts your way. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that you feel better soon.
KTG
no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 04:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-28 04:57 pm (UTC)hugs
Date: 2005-12-29 09:55 am (UTC)I'm sorry about the job situation too. Maybe 2006 will be your year to have things change for the better
no subject
Date: 2005-12-29 12:22 pm (UTC)You know my screen name, so if you see me online on MSN or AOL or whatever, I'm a good listener. You can unload on me. Promise. I'm pretty sure my cell phone number is also on my site somewhere. I'm here and thinking about you.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-29 06:31 pm (UTC)Been in the crappy job / too many bills / not enough money to go around scenario way too many times to count over the years.
I have also gotten to where I about hate the holiday season anymore. I grew up in Michigan. That plus 16 of my husband's 18-1/2 years in the Air Force were spent in cold weather climates where they have SNOW. His last assignment was to central Georgia (1991 - 1994) where he retired. I just can't seem to get into much of a holiday frame of mind when it's 70 degrees and raining outside. There seem to be more and more stories of stores putting out a piddly number of this season's most wanted item on their shelves, only to have hundreds of people show up and literally duke it out to see who's lucky enough to get one. Several years ago I became one of the growing number of people who do their "Christmas" shopping online. A couple years later it got to be "why waste time and money on wrapping paper?" The last few years have been "why even bother with a tree or decorating?"
And this year was probably one of the worst of my life, too, because my mother passed away back in February of this year. I had a really bad time doing my Christmas cards this year. I was going through the address labels file on my computer and realized that I needed to delete my mom's label from the list. That REALLY hurt. I've been having these little mini-meltdowns the last few months. I haven't quite gotten to the point of having suicidal thoughts; but there's A LOT of anger in me to where I sit there and bawl my eyes out for literally *hours* during which times I feel like throwing things or breaking things or beating the shit out of someone. I'd like to share with you some of my husband's thoughts of wisdom and experience from during one of my recent "meltdowns". Whoever said that time heals all wounds is fucking stupid and has obviously never been through anything like this in their entire life. Time doesn't *HEAL* shit. The pain will never go away completely. The only thing time will do is make the painful times fewer and farther between and a little easier to handle.
I wish I could be there in person to give you a great big hug. But like several other long-distance posters here, I'm afraid you'll have to settle for an online hug from me too. And I realize you hardly know me, but if you need to rant sometime, feel free. I've been told by a lot of people over the years that I'm a pretty good listener. And even though listening rarely "fixes" a problem, a lot of times it allows you to let off just enough steam so you don't completely blow a gasket and explode.
Here's hoping you have a whole lot better year in 2006!
no subject
Date: 2005-12-30 08:37 pm (UTC)This has been a rough year for you. A new one, and a fresh start, is coming.
And I am very sorry to hear of the unexpected loss of your Mom's friend. These things are never easy...and coming on top of so much else. I guess I am saying I love you and go easy on yourself. You deserve some kindness and gentleness...particularly from you.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-03 03:48 pm (UTC)