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spankerellaI've been introspective today. In that bad maudlin way that I hate.
*sigh* A lot of the replies to the previous ranty post got me thinking about something else that happened a month or two ago. It's not the same, but this is as close as I can compare. Don't you hate "overhearing" something you know you weren't meant to "hear"?
You know that feeling you get when you think people think a certain way about you, but then you find out what they REALLY think? And what they really think isn't good? I shouldn't dwell on it. I should not. But sometimes I latch onto something like a hungry dog would a bone with one shred of meat on it, and I can't let go until it drives me mad. I know there are lots of people out there who don't think I'm such a horrible brat. I know some of you even know a little, like me a bit. I just can't make myself get over the fact that there are people who I respected who just... don't think I'm even a decent person. I'm probably making this out to more than it was, but it's making me a little crazy.
I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I don't believe in perfection anyhow. I rarely believe in absolutes. It's just a little heartbreaking to know the truth. I've always liked the illusion better. This completely pisses me off in another way though... because it still stings. Probably because of the circumstances in which I discovered my "true nature" in others' eyes. According to their definition of my character, I wasn't being very canon at the time. I really should let it go. Perhaps one day (hopefully soon) it won't bother me so much.
This whole line of thinking, in turn, got me thinking about something else that happened a few months ago. I had blown up at someone who I thought was a friend. Admittedly, I was so wrong, but the circumstances were amazingly coincidental. Before I could even realize the error of my ways and apologize, this so-called friend was bad-mouthing me all over the place. And not just saying mean things that were true.... outrageous and hurtful things that were so far twisted from the truth of the matter... all I could do was gape in shock. This person, who claimed to adore me, had turned on me completely in a matter of DAYS.
Which finally led me to this pondering... I have fans who can be a bit rabid about me. Loyal people, who frankly sometimes frighten me in certain cases. I have my trolls, who never fail in their tireless campaign to get new email addys to harass me about what I am doing "wrong". I have ben told I burn brightly, that I have an intensity that is rarely rivaled. Do I, in turn, inspire such intensity? Do I push people to like, love, dispise, hate me with the heat of a thousand suns? Most of my friends, and I actually asked, said upon first meeting me, I am very intimidating.
Because if that's the case, I think maybe I shouldn't be available to the general public. Because the fact that I could sort of be like I think I might be for some people frightens me.
And I think it's time for a couch trip with some ice cream.
eta: No longer distressed. Ice cream worked wonders. Am about to write self into stupor. Cheers.
Thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fyrie for the Red & Cranky Pants icon. It is muchly appreciated.
*sigh* A lot of the replies to the previous ranty post got me thinking about something else that happened a month or two ago. It's not the same, but this is as close as I can compare. Don't you hate "overhearing" something you know you weren't meant to "hear"?
You know that feeling you get when you think people think a certain way about you, but then you find out what they REALLY think? And what they really think isn't good? I shouldn't dwell on it. I should not. But sometimes I latch onto something like a hungry dog would a bone with one shred of meat on it, and I can't let go until it drives me mad. I know there are lots of people out there who don't think I'm such a horrible brat. I know some of you even know a little, like me a bit. I just can't make myself get over the fact that there are people who I respected who just... don't think I'm even a decent person. I'm probably making this out to more than it was, but it's making me a little crazy.
I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I don't believe in perfection anyhow. I rarely believe in absolutes. It's just a little heartbreaking to know the truth. I've always liked the illusion better. This completely pisses me off in another way though... because it still stings. Probably because of the circumstances in which I discovered my "true nature" in others' eyes. According to their definition of my character, I wasn't being very canon at the time. I really should let it go. Perhaps one day (hopefully soon) it won't bother me so much.
This whole line of thinking, in turn, got me thinking about something else that happened a few months ago. I had blown up at someone who I thought was a friend. Admittedly, I was so wrong, but the circumstances were amazingly coincidental. Before I could even realize the error of my ways and apologize, this so-called friend was bad-mouthing me all over the place. And not just saying mean things that were true.... outrageous and hurtful things that were so far twisted from the truth of the matter... all I could do was gape in shock. This person, who claimed to adore me, had turned on me completely in a matter of DAYS.
Which finally led me to this pondering... I have fans who can be a bit rabid about me. Loyal people, who frankly sometimes frighten me in certain cases. I have my trolls, who never fail in their tireless campaign to get new email addys to harass me about what I am doing "wrong". I have ben told I burn brightly, that I have an intensity that is rarely rivaled. Do I, in turn, inspire such intensity? Do I push people to like, love, dispise, hate me with the heat of a thousand suns? Most of my friends, and I actually asked, said upon first meeting me, I am very intimidating.
Because if that's the case, I think maybe I shouldn't be available to the general public. Because the fact that I could sort of be like I think I might be for some people frightens me.
And I think it's time for a couch trip with some ice cream.
eta: No longer distressed. Ice cream worked wonders. Am about to write self into stupor. Cheers.
Thanks to
fyrie for the Red & Cranky Pants icon. It is muchly appreciated.
