intensity

[spankerella]

I've been introspective today. In that bad maudlin way that I hate.

*sigh* A lot of the replies to the previous ranty post got me thinking about something else that happened a month or two ago. It's not the same, but this is as close as I can compare. Don't you hate "overhearing" something you know you weren't meant to "hear"?

You know that feeling you get when you think people think a certain way about you, but then you find out what they REALLY think? And what they really think isn't good? I shouldn't dwell on it. I should not. But sometimes I latch onto something like a hungry dog would a bone with one shred of meat on it, and I can't let go until it drives me mad. I know there are lots of people out there who don't think I'm such a horrible brat. I know some of you even know a little, like me a bit. I just can't make myself get over the fact that there are people who I respected who just... don't think I'm even a decent person. I'm probably making this out to more than it was, but it's making me a little crazy.

I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I don't believe in perfection anyhow. I rarely believe in absolutes. It's just a little heartbreaking to know the truth. I've always liked the illusion better. This completely pisses me off in another way though... because it still stings. Probably because of the circumstances in which I discovered my "true nature" in others' eyes. According to their definition of my character, I wasn't being very canon at the time. I really should let it go. Perhaps one day (hopefully soon) it won't bother me so much.

This whole line of thinking, in turn, got me thinking about something else that happened a few months ago. I had blown up at someone who I thought was a friend. Admittedly, I was so wrong, but the circumstances were amazingly coincidental. Before I could even realize the error of my ways and apologize, this so-called friend was bad-mouthing me all over the place. And not just saying mean things that were true.... outrageous and hurtful things that were so far twisted from the truth of the matter... all I could do was gape in shock. This person, who claimed to adore me, had turned on me completely in a matter of DAYS.

Which finally led me to this pondering... I have fans who can be a bit rabid about me. Loyal people, who frankly sometimes frighten me in certain cases. I have my trolls, who never fail in their tireless campaign to get new email addys to harass me about what I am doing "wrong". I have ben told I burn brightly, that I have an intensity that is rarely rivaled. Do I, in turn, inspire such intensity? Do I push people to like, love, dispise, hate me with the heat of a thousand suns? Most of my friends, and I actually asked, said upon first meeting me, I am very intimidating.

Because if that's the case, I think maybe I shouldn't be available to the general public. Because the fact that I could sort of be like I think I might be for some people frightens me.

And I think it's time for a couch trip with some ice cream.

eta: No longer distressed. Ice cream worked wonders. Am about to write self into stupor. Cheers.

Thanks to fyrie for the Red & Cranky Pants icon. It is muchly appreciated.

Comments

[cissasghost.livejournal.com]

hrmm .. well, as a (possibly scary?) fan, I'm probably not someone you want advice from . . so feel free to ignore it. But I kinda get what you're saying, about the intensity, and inspiring it in others . . it's been my experience in life that I am a catalyst. I make things go boom - no idea why (well, sometimes an idea why, if I've actually opened my mouth in the situation), but things blow up around me. There was a period of time (known as ages 14-22) when this bothered me intensely.

I wouldn't say I'm entirely over it, but I've begun to notice that some things need blowing up, or shaking up at least - that it's not always bad to inspire strong emotion or change. I have also had a far more peaceful and contented existance since I figured out that all that "let go of your anger" stuff they throw at you in therapy is utter crap - at least for me. You do not have to be a peaceful, calm, quiet person in order to be a decent, moral, or happy person. In fact, the more I try to be calm and at peace with the universe, the more I get twitchy and antsy and depressed (possibly just because I'm so *bad* at it, and I hate being bad at things).

So yeah, whatever, enough of me pontificating - main point being, you're not the only one like that, and it doesn't make you Attila the Hun, even if you don't apologize for it.

-Sonya

[spankerella.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Good to know I'm not the only one who could incite a riot and not really mean to. I think my switch just flipped, and I'm about to go on one of those fic binges of mine.

For some reason the pineapple and coconut Haagen Daas was VERY inspiring earlier, and I'm feeling much improved. I should eat ice cream that tastes like it ought to have alcohol in it more often. It was like eating a pina colada.

[cissasghost.livejournal.com]

Pineapple and coconut? That *does* sound good, and the grocery store is closed, damn it! Glad you're feeling better.

-Sonya

[xaosseed.livejournal.com]

My names xaos and I'm not a scary fan.

I think though that there are always some people who just rub you the wrong way and can, with as little as an SMS or a shrug, trigger spitting, cursing, violent fury. No one is perfect and there is always someone who can effortlessly trip every switch and push every button without meaning to, and then take your reaction as borderline psychosis and evidence of your unreasonableness.

I don't think there's anything beyond ninja-style mental training you can do to prevent this, so the alternatives are to avoid them entirely or just *know* they are going to twist your tail when you see them and stonewall them.

In the same way that you would ignore what a rand.thug on the street screamed at you, once you see these people aren't to be trusted, don't give them any hold on you. Lock them down, shut them out.

Assuming you do want to maintain human contact, then unfortunately, most of this is damage reduction, rather than damage prevention - you have to take the first blow to see who's going to hit you. You could keep your distance from everyone but wheres the fun in that?

[lizey.livejournal.com]

I probably come under the 'don't know you' category, but I think you've got a very individual, strong personality and it makes people respond. I've noticed that when I'm my normal, quiet self people sort of don't form opinions, don't think about me. If they've seen me pissed off, which is rare and apparently very scary *yay*, they start reacting much more strongly, even if whatever pissed me off had nothing to do with them.
Um, so essentially yes, but if they can't deal with you, it's not exactly your fault for having a strong personality.

[mynuet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I totally know what you're talking about here. So far the way I'm dealing is to whine and wonder about people's mental damage.

[amazonmink.livejournal.com]

I am in the category of not knowing you.
But...[there's always a but] you are huuuman. And a fantabulous writer. Hence the rabid fans.

Alcohol and ice cream? would make girls night even more entertaining.

[gianfared.livejournal.com]

Thank God for ice cream, eh?

Here's my two cents: I don't believe in altruism, but I'm a behaviorist. I truly think people only do things that benefit them in some way (because it makes them feel good). People's perception of you isn't because of you, it's because of them. If you seem intimidating, it's due to their own insecurities. Turn it around and think about how you judge other's - usually on your own experiences - and every once in a while someone will surprise you. Why? Because they don't fit the mold our experiences tell us they should. It's human nature, but it isn't always correct.

You have the power to let it affect you or not. If someone turns on you, and you never thought they would (I've had this happen in every group of friends), it's upsetting. Period. But, what is their motivation? What are they getting from it? It's usually jealousy in some form or another (you don't reciprocate their adoration, you are more successful, etc.). We still have to lick our wounds, but the realization that it isn't you, it's them, should help. Only you control your thinking, thus the way these things affect you, which isn't to say that you can turn off your feelings like a light, but that you can eventually work your way out of it (and hopefully a little faster).

So, that's my view of the world, which may seem cynical, but it's realistic enough that I don't get too surprised by people's behavior anymore. It's MUCH tougher on the internet, but I'm sure you know that this environment offers people such anonymity that it loosens any normal inhibition.

When you don't feel like thinking that deeply, well, thank God for ice cream. ;D

[houses7177.livejournal.com]

That icon is indeed most excellent. Give my impressed reaction to fyrie!

As for the rant- I'm one of those love me or hate me people too. I'm exceedingly polite, but somehow i either inspire fear, loathing or great affection. Rarely anything inbetween. I choose to call it strength of character. My husband says it's cause I'm a bitch, but whatever. I'm me. That should be enough for anyone. No holds barred, my philosophy on life.

[greeneyedtengu.livejournal.com]

Hey. If someone doesn't like how you are, screw em. You are your own person, you are human, and as such you make mistakes.

We all do, sadly enough. THe only _real_ mistake is turning on someone because they made a very human error. "TO err is human, to forgive divine"?

But.. before I ramble myself into a ditch, a have to say, good choice with the ice cream. It's as good a cure as chocolate-- better on occasion.

Good to know you're feeling better. Good luck with the trolls.

[(Anonymous)]

You are an inspiration to a lot of people, you are what is called an original. You got me, the slacker's slacker thinking of writing, but in truth i dont even know you at all except for what i can see in your writing, which you put your soul into.

A friend of mine had a similar situation (like the one with your friend who bad mouhed you). today, she found out that a group of people she thought to be her friends, thought her fake, shallow, unfeeling and a vapid slut. she is really none of those things, but that wasnt her point. it was that the people who had these thoughts of her were not up front with them. they were sweet as rhubarb pie to her until the day we graduated. she's was really torn up about it, until she realized that what they thought didn't matter, it was that she knew she wasn't any of those things. People can think whatever they want, but most of the time its what we see within ourseves that matters, not what someone who doesn't know you as well thinks.
"It's a Barnum and Bailey world,
Just as phony,
As it can be,
But it wouldn't be make believe,
If you believed in me."
-Ella Fitzgerald
you just need to believe in you
morrigunlefey

[crystalcbs.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's you. Most people just suck sewer shit.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad you're feeling better. Just know that you're appreciated and your writing enjoyed. BTW, who is that brunnette with Draco in your new icon? A female Blaise Zabini?
-Maco

[spankerella.livejournal.com]

It's Pansy actually. The pic was made by mpants. She said the original pic is a promotional one from the PoA movie, but that girl in it is the one that played Pansy.