perfect

[spankerella]

So there was some talking this afternoon. Yes, my mother is sick, but I am not going to allow her to make me miserable because she's going through something unfortunate. Selfish maybe, but I'm really not the servant type. Never have been. I'll help her, but I will draw some lines. I've been letting her walk all over me since she got diagnosed because I felt just terrible about it. Not anymore. I mean, I still feel bad, and I wish it had not happened to her, but not bad enough that I'm going to continue as I have been. I told her that I'd do what she asked, but I was not a mind reader, so a little wiggle room would be nice. She expects everything to be done her way without even asking. I do not work that way. I told her that I'm here for her, but I'm not going to be at her beck and call. It's going to get worse, so I need to reserve my strength a bit.

I honestly believe my mother is the reason I do not believe in absolute perfection... because I could never please her. Still can't apparently.

*

Comments

[australian-imp.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

personally I think you're being quite reasonable. I'm mean you are helping out but you can't be expected to know and do everything...no one can.

Well, that sucks ass...

[mtlwritermom.livejournal.com]

I've been reading the mommy saga since you've posted. It's horrible she's sick but she should understand it's hard for you too. Dropping your life to wipe her ass (figuratively speaking) and trying to be there emotionally for her is exhausting, and the fact that it's harder for her doesn't make it okay to abuse your generosity. Sure, family is suppposed to be there for each other no matter what, but family members are often incompatible and the strain can just ruin people. And we love you. We want you strong and happy, if possible.

She might be very mad she's sick, and perfectionnist despise having to rely on people, so she's mad because of that too. Except that getting frustrated with you is not going to change anything. Except maybe alienate you. And then they get into a 'if I was doing it it would have be done already/better/different' and they get all bitchy. Some moms define motherhood as critisizing and showing better ways and making their kids feel inadequate, because they feel like it's the only way to have a say.

Ah, Echo. We are all pulling for you and your mother and your continued sanity.

Happy thoughts from Montréal.

[vanyel-f.livejournal.com]

I'd say well done for having the talk. I think it's always more difficult with close family, especially when you're living in the same house again, but being honest about your needs is better than seething in silence, if only because that way, you give the other person a chance to change their behaviour.

[(Anonymous)]

Echo,

Good for you for talking to her. Sometimes clearing the air is the only thing you can do.

We found out a few years ago that my mom was allergic to caffeine - yeah, I know, horror of horrors! No more chocolate, no more coffee, no more caffeinated soda, no more tea....

Anyway, her reaction to it is really wierd. Caffeine gives her a gnarly headache and even gnarlier mood swings. One day my mom called and left me 17 (!) voice mails while I was out (working full time, going to school full time and 5 months pregnant) because she needed my social security number. Another time, she called me at 3 in the morning, screaming, because I had borrowed her vacuum six months ago and didn't put it back correctly.

I talked to her about 6 months ago about those incidents, and she didn't even remember them. So, here I was, resenting and fearing being around her in my late teens and early 20's because of her almost-manic behavior and all this time, she'd had no idea why. She thought I hated her and was just rebelling.

Now that we know what's wrong, things are a lot better between us. She and I are more like friends now a lot of the time than parents (still, can't live with her, but hey). But I think of all those years that I didn't have her in my life because it was too hard... and I realize how much time I wasted.

I can't say I know what your relationship with your mom was like before she got sick. I can't even say I know the whole story of what it's like now that she is. All I can say is, as hard as it is right now, at least you still have her. I hope you won't let the fact that things are hard and frustrating deter you - because time is the one thing you'll never get back.

Gem

[lady-sylver.livejournal.com]

I'm just going to say that I'm glad you're getting things straightened out, and more settled down. You were absolutely right, and I'm happy you and your mom talked. Keep on keeping on, Echo. We're all behind you.