hating the dog

I have officially suffered my first psychotic break of the situation I now find myself in.

It has been more than a week since I have written ANYTHING besides email replies and posts here. I have not worked on the editing of "In Shadowside". I have not worked on the guide to the universe. I have not written any fic. That's bothering me a lot.

I fantasised about killing my mother's dog. I honestly think I hate the dog. And I know it's just a dog, but my mother loves the dog more than me. She just woke me up at 4 AM because she needed to give the dog a bath and needed my help. The dog has a skin condition. She gets itchy. Well, *I* get itchy when I touch the dog. The dog wouldn't get in the tub. I forced her butt in with my legs while pulling her front paws in with my hands. My legs have broken out in hives. I had to shower after the dog. I have had to take some Benadryl for the itching. *hates* I broke down in the shower. I lost it. Utterly. You know what the worst thing about that sort of thing is? When the person who has forced you to this sort of break not only NOT notices that you're all splotchy from crying, but snaps at you for taking so long in the bathroom.

I know I am a bad daughter. I don't think I was meant to spend this much time in my mother's company. We are not alike. And she likes ordering me about. I can see it in her eyes. Every time I walk through the house, she calls out about four or five things she would like for me to do... right then. I'll buck up and get over this, but I don't know if I'll be the same after. Not to be melodramatic, but this is breaking my supposedly unbreakable spirit. I am completely stressed out, wound tight as I can be. I have no way to vent properly.

This is just proof that I could never be a nurse. I have a deplorable bedside manner. Then again, my patient is the one person I have no patience for. I am probably the worst choice for taking care of her. She frustrates me on a normal day, and this is so much worse. I am trying to be nice and nurturing, but she makes it VERY difficult.

And now I can't get back to sleep.

I really hate to admit defeat. I'm fighting it, but this just might do me in.

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mean girl

Well, I snapped at my mother today. I don't think she's ever seen me quite like I was. It was on again as soon as I woke up. I was still groggy from the Benedryl. My control was not what it usually is in her presence. The shock was evident. I don't think she knew how well I could string words together. I actually said the sentence... "So I guess the dish fairy washed all those dishes in the sink." *groan* Why can the people in my family not remember what I can be like when I feel like I've been backed into a corner? She promised to try not to be so particular about things.

We'll see.

I think I need a day off from here. I might start talking to the friends and see if I can spend one day a week away. I need to be able to veg out and not worry about someone hollering at me to turn off the lights or take out the trash.

perfect

So there was some talking this afternoon. Yes, my mother is sick, but I am not going to allow her to make me miserable because she's going through something unfortunate. Selfish maybe, but I'm really not the servant type. Never have been. I'll help her, but I will draw some lines. I've been letting her walk all over me since she got diagnosed because I felt just terrible about it. Not anymore. I mean, I still feel bad, and I wish it had not happened to her, but not bad enough that I'm going to continue as I have been. I told her that I'd do what she asked, but I was not a mind reader, so a little wiggle room would be nice. She expects everything to be done her way without even asking. I do not work that way. I told her that I'm here for her, but I'm not going to be at her beck and call. It's going to get worse, so I need to reserve my strength a bit.

I honestly believe my mother is the reason I do not believe in absolute perfection... because I could never please her. Still can't apparently.

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